i'm thinking, overthinking

i was thinking today...do i hide behind music? is it all just a way for me to hide from reality? or is it just something that is really pulsing through my vains that i couldn't get away from if i tried? why is it that music always seems to put me out of my pain? i guess that's just the way God made me.

i am sick of feeling sorry for myself. but sometimes i just can't help it. i will sit and wallow in self pitty and then wonder why things never go my way. i think i'm really self-critical. i can never admit good things about myself. i can always find something wrong.

what do i want to do with my life? i've been thinking about that a lot lately. there are a few things that i can actually picture myself doing. things that i know i would love doing.
1. be a wedding planner - i'm not sure how you go to school for this, but i would love it
2. be a play director - very unsteady income, but again i would love it
3. be a worship leader in a church - i am not sure if this is ethical or not (to be a female worship leader) i mean is it the same as being a woman pastor (something i DO disagree with) or is it different? but i would pbly have to go to seminary or something for this and i really don't wanna do that.
unfortunately i don't feel "called" to do anything. like seriously. nothing. but i'm kinda scared to know God's will. i'm afraid i won't like it. i have no reasoning behind my fears and that just makes me madder.

i wanna go swimming in a lake with a waterfall and totally take a shower or something under the waterfall. i love waterfalls.