hear me, i'm ready now

so today was my worship team audition.
nothing has felt so good in a long time.

to be in a place where people actually aren't bothered when you really belt it out, not to fear angry neighbors knocking on your door asking you to please be quiet, to remember what my voice can actually do, to put my hands around a microphone once again...

i'd forgotten how it feels.
i don't want to forget again.

this is where i'm supposed to be.

take me baby, or leave me!

so one of my friends is starting to get to me. she is constantly nagging me about the clothes i wear. like she says "eww capri pants are so ugly. they cut off the leg line and make you look terrible" after i show her my favorite capri pants. then she says "no one should ever wear horizontal stripes. they just make you look too wide" after i show her my new tshirt with horizonatal stripes. she makes fun of like everything i wear, but very indirectly. and i mean, i tell her that i don't really agree and even if it's true i don't care b/c i'll wear what i think makes me look good. she just thinks she knows everything about clothes.

well ya know what missy? not everyone has tons of money to go spend on clothes at nordstroms and macy's and stuff. not everyone can afford to have fancy dress shoes for every occasion. not everyone's grandparents take them shopping every time they come home and buy them all this stuff. some of us aren't so big into appearances. i will not wear something if it's not comfortable and i will not NOT wear something just because you think it doesn't look good. i'm not worried about leg lines and how stripe patterns effect the way i look. i don't care that much.

but it's not just making fun of my clothes. she will be rude to me about that but then expect that i do whatever she wants. like if she wants to walk downtown to get coffee she will expect me to go with her even tho i don't even drink coffee. or she'll expect me to have lunch at the cafe with her instead of going to the cafeteria even though she knows i have a meal plan i want to use. she'll just prance into my room, take my magazines without asking (and then make fun of them), use my lotion without asking, eat my food if i have food out (and if i don't ask to have some anyway) and then think she can be mean.

i'm not stupid. i just don't want to be assertive and talk to her. but i really need to do it b/c i'm rooming with her next year. i mean, she's a fun girl and we have good times together. i just feel like she's only thinking about herself all the time and never thinks of what someone else might think. she just assumes we will share certain groceries next year like kleenex. well i may not want to share in the cost of kleenex b/c i never use kleenex. deal.

don't judge me b/c i don't wash my clothes after i wear them for an hour. deal with it. don't judge me b/c i don't have 500 pairs of shoes. deal with it. don't judge me b/c i like capri pants and striped shirts. deal with it.

i need to talk to her..............

stick it out

i am at a standstill.
i honestly cannot understand my feelings because they keep changing.
when i am at home, i want home more than anything in the world, but when i get back to school it doesn't really seem so bad...almost appealing.
going home would def be much easier financially. i would have way more opportunity there. but leaving hope would mean missing out on so much. i think the biggest thing would be living with colleen. she is so excited. i am too. i don't want to back out. it isn't fair to her.

how do i discern between my human desires and God's will?
and if God's will is not exactly my first choice, how do i deal?
WHY DO I HAVE SUCH A HARD TIME STEPPING OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE???????? it frustrates me to no end. there are things that i wish were easier for me but they are def not because i love my bubble so much.

Lord, i have just a few simple questions.
- where do you want me to be?
- what do you want me to do?
- what does "stick it out" mean?

at this point in time if i had to choose between barakel and hope i would choose barakel. but i do NOT want to come home simply because it is easier and i can teach piano. i want to go home ONLY if that is where God wants me. i do not want to stay at hope simply because i like it here and i don't want to let people down. i want to stay at ho pe ONLY if it is where God wants me.

Lord, show me which way to go......for my earthly eyes are failing me.

i'll believe even if it's just a dream

i am in a funk.
i think it is because i feel like nothing is going right.
or maybe nothing is going at all.
i don't know.
i just want to get out of here and into a whole other place.
i am restless, and i know i'm restless
but for what?
nothing i "want" can fill this void.
materialism isn't everything.
i shouldn't worry about what i look like or what kind of career i will have,

because You think i'm perfect
in every way
because You created me.

and Your opinion is really the only one that matters
well,
the only one that SHOULD matter.

i have this stressful feeling
like i want something so bad
but i am afraid to admit it
like this whole time i've been living a lie
and it want to tell the truth,
but i almost embarasses me.
it shouldn't.
because it's a real dream
a dream that i think is actually attainable.
but only in my mind.
everyone else thinks it's stupid
and that's why i can't admit it.

why do my dreams have to be so risky?
i can't just have a relavent ambition like everyone else.
my dreams have to be nearly impossible.
so impossible that every trying to realize them would be foolish
because it would ruin me in every way.

but yet where else can i find satisfaction?
where else can i find something i won't despise?

i am scared.
i am scared of all the things i would have to do.
i just want someone to knock on my door and hand it all to me on a silver platter and tell me my day has come!
but that will never happen.
because this is reality.
and i am scared.
too scared.
and as i see others realizing my dream in their lives
all i can do is wish in vain
because i know that i am too scared to do anything.

take me for what i am

i am frustrated.
i am frustrated that some people think they can totally control me. news flash, i am kind of my own person. i am free to make my own decisions and judgements and if i ask your advice, great. but don't go around thinking that you can dictate my every move. i am a big girl.

i hate when people make me do stuff for no reason. it is just a control issue. just a way for them to prove that they have the power and i don't. i hate to break it to ya, but i'm not exactly that passive. i don't deal well with people playing power games with me.

people playing power games basically just jump up and down on my button, i think just to get a reaction. words cannot describe how frustrated that makes me.

the dreams i dream for you are bigger than the ones you're clinging to

i need direction, Lord.
i am walking aimlessly into something that is so much bigger than me
bigger than i think i can handle
i know you have a plan, Lord
a perfect plan for me
something i love
i have so many dreams
things i'd like to do,
but they worry me, Lord
they scare me.
i don't know what to do with them
and i fear my inability
my inability to perform up to par
my inability to search out answers
my inability to be brave
sometimes i scare myself Lord
i think that my fears and insecurities will keep me from everything
from achieving my dreams

but are these dreams just dreams?
or are they pointing me in a certain direction?
You know i'm not a risk-taker
i like to take the safe route
stick to the familiar
i would have to step so far out of my comfort zone to pursue these dreams
in a career-wise way
is that what You want?

Lord, you know my heart
there are no desires there that are not from You
You know me better than i know myself
You know what i can and cannot do,
despite what i think i can and cannot do.
give me wisdom, Lord.
give me the ability to see Your will clearly amidst my chaotic mind.
more than anything, i want Your will.
Your dream
Your wish
for my life.
i believe with all my heart that you dreamed a dream for me long ago.
reveal it to me oh Lord.
cuz i'm kind of stressing.
i'm worried and afraid
i just don't know what to do with my life.

give me a sign.
somehow let me know
where i'm supposed to be.
cause i know that i can't find it on my own.
i am too afraid to admit my heart's desires out loud,
to admit that what i want may not be easily attainable.
that i may have to work in a way that i didn't plan on.

Lord, open doors.
close doors.
make it so clear to me that there will be NO denying it.
who knows? maybe Your plan is something i would never have dreamed of!
i believe that it will be great Lord.
because i know that You love me
and right now, that is all i need!

sometimes
i feel
like i'm simply unloveable
and sometimes
i wonder
if my day is coming at all
sometimes
i find myself
longing for your arms
cause your arms
can hold me

will you love me tonight?
let your arms hold me tight?
cause i don't think
that my heart can bear
to wait forever
can i see you tonight?
somewhere beneath the pale moonlight?
cause you don't know
what i would give
to finally see your face

sometimes
i think i see you
but then you're gone
and sometimes
i think i hear
your voice in a love song
sometimes
i find myself
aching for your eyes
cause your eyes
can see me