i'll believe even if it's just a dream

i am in a funk.
i think it is because i feel like nothing is going right.
or maybe nothing is going at all.
i don't know.
i just want to get out of here and into a whole other place.
i am restless, and i know i'm restless
but for what?
nothing i "want" can fill this void.
materialism isn't everything.
i shouldn't worry about what i look like or what kind of career i will have,

because You think i'm perfect
in every way
because You created me.

and Your opinion is really the only one that matters
well,
the only one that SHOULD matter.

i have this stressful feeling
like i want something so bad
but i am afraid to admit it
like this whole time i've been living a lie
and it want to tell the truth,
but i almost embarasses me.
it shouldn't.
because it's a real dream
a dream that i think is actually attainable.
but only in my mind.
everyone else thinks it's stupid
and that's why i can't admit it.

why do my dreams have to be so risky?
i can't just have a relavent ambition like everyone else.
my dreams have to be nearly impossible.
so impossible that every trying to realize them would be foolish
because it would ruin me in every way.

but yet where else can i find satisfaction?
where else can i find something i won't despise?

i am scared.
i am scared of all the things i would have to do.
i just want someone to knock on my door and hand it all to me on a silver platter and tell me my day has come!
but that will never happen.
because this is reality.
and i am scared.
too scared.
and as i see others realizing my dream in their lives
all i can do is wish in vain
because i know that i am too scared to do anything.